Falling in love with someone whom
you cannot find is like wandering a vast desert and searching for a flower. A
painful and tearful moment I have gone through took me to the last stage; to
write down my tears into words. There have been days I thought to tell you how truly
I
loved you, but an inner voice held me back, cautioning against uttering such
foolish words that might disrupt your feelings and may drive you away from me.
I silenced all my emotions so as not to lose you or drift far away from me. I
suppressed myself and my inner emotions. It was hard to control such a temper that
had love feelings. I did everything to conceal any feelings that would reveal
my love for you. The only goal I had was to see you smiling, coming and going
being happy. I want you to be happy all the time; that's all I wanted.
I am sorry to tell you that you took
from me the best thing I had ever. I am sorry that these words are coming into
your mind and feel sorrow about this. I am sorry that it is late time to
rebuild what was ruined three months before. I am very sorry about what
happened and it is hard to tell you that it is all about you; not yourself but
your personality, your beauty, your appearance, your smile, your face, your
words, your chatting, your competency, and the shining on your face all the
time. I don’t remember the night you told me that you had a boyfriend. I don’t
want to remember that cursed night. If I had known which night it was, I would
try to remove it from the week. It was the night I drowned in the ocean without
any help. It was a night I hoped to die, instead, we meet in the world
separately. That night I longed all I could skip seeing you with another man…
Going through challenges in this
terrible world is normal and part of what it was created for. It is inevitable
truth that every one of us will taste such or like obstacles during our days in
this world. There is hope after or with such difficulties and that is the only
thing I have today. To be honest with this phrase, I have nothing other than
hope of finding you again or living alone. For sure, it is painful to write
this or read it. It is as horrific as witnessing your son being killed in front
of you. It is that I will never find you again and you have all I have. You
have my feelings. You have taken away my natural ability to regain my desire.
You have extinguished any hope I had in searching for medication for myself.
You have left me with nothing, taking away everything I had. How painful it is
to say these heartfelt words! I know it would make you cry if you had a heart
that could experience feelings of crying.
My misfortunes are that I am from a
community that sees love as shame or what a man could say in a public way. I
was ill-trained, but luckily I had a heart that had rigorous feelings. As I am
from a community that sees falling in with someone as going mad or losing the
right personality, I did not get any support from the community, even my
friends. They were all telling me that it is what I convinced my mind or it is
what Satan persuaded me. They were like, “War jaceyl ha ku heynine, danahaaga
raaco.” The only support I had was to write down what I was feeling and the
difficulties I was going through. This is the only time I give thanks for my
habit of writing. It is where I go for help and it is where I rely on such hard
times. From the day you took all I have to this time, pen is with me. It tells
me what to do when such a disaster happens. It is a disaster. Natural disaster.
Love is a natural feeling that all living things have. Dismissing someone you
love is another natural thing that is always seen. My pen is my lawyer and psychological
consultant. He gives me advice worth writing and I am a polite customer of it;
I obey it and take his advice.
Let me say to you my last words. I
was strong, action-oriented, and a man of decision. I had the ambition of
reaching a set of goals. I lost all these brilliant talents in one night. After
that night, I became weak and less ambitious. I lost all I had and you took all
of them. I was right to love you because you had all the potential I dreamed my
future should have. You were adorable and a dream of every man, but you weren’t
right to take my heart back. To cite from G. Michael Hopf,
“Hard times create strong men”, these hard times will make me the man I was
before you took all I have.
